One year ago....

(this was written Saturday 2-20-10...I didn't post it until Monday b/c of some issues getting the pictures up)

Feb 20, 2009 was the worst experience of my life up until that point (little did I know there would be worse things to come). The past year has been life changing to say the least--not just because we are now a family of 5, including twins, but because of the way these twins entered the world--the uncertainty, the prognoses, the NICU, the TPN, the ventilators, the surgeries, the emergencies, the NEC. John and I talked a lot over the past month or so about how this day would be---would it be Happy First Birthday, Nora and Ryan or would it be the one year anniversary of the beginning of a time of hell on earth for us? I think it ended up being somewhere in the middle.

I'm really not that sentimental of a person, but this time, this anniversary has been bringing me down. I look at my babies--growing, thriving, miraculous, and I should be celebrating how amazing these guys are--and, believe me, I am thankful and humbled and amazed and filled with gratitude--but, the memories are tough. Many of the worst times are fresh in my head as if they happened yesterday--yet they happened a lifetime ago. I am left wondering if their birthday will ever just be their birthday--a day to celebrate their time here--to celebrate how far they've come and how much they've enriched our lives as individuals. But, so far, on this first birthday, the flashbacks are casting a shadow on things unfortunately. Sure, we said Happy Birthday to them and were thrilled to talk to family and friends who called to say Happy Birthday. And we agree about the amazing strides they've made--I'm not faking the phone call happiness. I'm happy. I'm happy for them, for us. I'm thankful to God to our friends and family. But it doesn't feel quite like a birthday should for me. I feel like they are getting ripped off to some extent b/c of all the memories--they don't know it but I do. And please don't let my weirdness prevent any Happy Birthday wishes to them--I'm not falling apart about it or anything, I promise. and THANK YOU for all the birthday wishes and celebratory emails, phone calls and hugs--We all appreciate it.

So, today I planned a really fun day for John--a surprise poker night with a few buddies. Planning kept me busy and it also felt like a little bit of a redemption for John's lost birthday last year when we were praying for Ryan to turn a corner for the better after a series of bad reports from the neonatologist--we had nothing to celebrate last year. and I also blew it on Father's Day 2009 for the record. So, John is currently playing poker with some of his buddies--I hear laughter, I see friendship, I see John smiling. It is a good day. Next year we'll have a party for Nora and Ryan--hopefully there will be much healing of our spirits in between now and then.

In the meantime...here are my one-year olds. i guess. they sure don't look like one-year olds, but they are doing great things. They are both getting all over the place--Nora rolling and scooting, getting up on her knees and revving up to crawl soon, even taking a "step" with her arms here and there--Ryan moves by rotating in a circle on his belly and thrashing his legs around which sometimes throws him forward, sometimes backward--on the kitchen floor, he looks like an accomplished breakdancer.